My friends and I have been talking a lot about the abysmal dating scene here in New York City. I don’t want to dwell on it because I’ve been manifesting the man of my dreams like no tomorrow so I know he’s coming, hell he’s already here. But I’ve dated my fair share of men in this city and my goodness. If I had a dime for every f*ck boy I’ve come across I’d be rich. It’s about time I pay it forward. I dedicate this post to New York’s Finest F*ckboys. If you ever come across this man, run.
The Good On Paper Guy
This is the guy who seems perfect. He woos you and sweeps you off your feet almost immediately. He’s that type to call the same day he gets your number and you like his initiative. He has a solid career. He’s probably in finance or an architect or something that makes him look very knowledgeable and smart. He’s definitely good looking and has perfect teeth and clean fingernails. But he’s so available and has no problem making definite and very specific plans when it’s time for a date and it’s probably because he is actually unavailable. The good on paper guy is just that, good on paper, but something about him is just off. He’s always a little jumpy and nervous. And it’s probably because his girlfriend just called your phone asking who you are and where the man you’ve been dating for 3 months is. If he’s too good to be true, he most definitely is.
[one_half padding=”0 15px 0 px”]The Ex-Con
He’s a rebel. That’s what draws you too him in a dimly lit club. He’s tall, dark and handsome and most definitely a bad boy. He’s got that whole mysterious thing on lock. He’s got things to teach you and you’re ready and willing to learn. You know about his less than stellar past but he did his time and he’s of course a changed man. And if he’s not already, you are the perfect woman to change him into that upstanding citizen you can introduce to your family. Don’t be naive girl. This man has seen and done it all and there’s nothing you can teach him. Yes he will protect you and probably beat someone up who even looks at you wrong and it all seems so sweet but that’s actually pretty crazy. Date him and then friend him for life. You never know when you’ll need someone down for the cause.[/one_half] [one_half_last padding=”0 px 0 15px”]The Secretly Homeless Guy
This guys is always broke and always has an excuse for why he’s broke. Oh, I left my wallet, oh I just sent my mom some money so I’m short until the next pay day. He makes up for always being broke by showering you with free things, like attention. When you text, he immediately text back. When you want to hang he’s always available. You are the moon and the stars to him but you’re also his meal ticket. The first thing he does is open your fridge. He’s always asking you for snacks but you overlook it because he gives the best foot rubs. Let’s not forget that broke lovers are usually the best. But I digress, that’s all he has to offer love. Don’t get swept up in being the moon and the stars and an ATM. You can’t even claim him on your taxes as a dependent. [/one_half_last]
The Good Guy with the Savior Complex
This guy is basically perfect. He’s the man you’ve always dreamed of. He’s a perfect gentlemen and never let’s you pay. Not until you’re at least 2 months into being in a committed relationship. And yes, he will commit to you cause that’s his jam. But his exes are always hovering around. ALL OF THEM. They ask for things like money or gifts or assistance with building something or advice on this or that and he more than obliges without batting an eye. And here you are all independent and self-sufficient and he just doesn’t seem as interested in being an equal than with being a savior. You don’t make him feel big and macho. Next thing you know he’s cheating on you with a married woman who has 3 kids and you’re wondering where the hell that good guy went.
The Good for Loving
Then there’s the guy who you try to make a relationship happen with but it just never works for whatever reason. The chemistry between you two is out of this world. You try and try to make a relationship happen and every time it falls flat on it’s face. You two are really good friends. He knows nearly everything about you and vice versa. He’s charming and funny and devilishly handsome but he doesn’t like to read. And you know you could never honestly take him serious. Plus, you know all his dirt and wouldn’t put up with half the things the women in his life have. He’s relegated to lover only status. Until either one of you get’s into a serious relationship or get’s married.
Photography by Rose Lazard; Editing by Monroe Steele
GET THE LOOK
The Commitment Loving Commitment Phobe
On a first date this guy tells you straight up that he’s looking for a serious relationship. Which is music to your jaded pessimistic ears. You two are dating then exclusively dating. You’re meeting friends and family members and going to events together. He’s buying you gifts and pulling out the chairs and always returning calls and text in a timely manner. You don’t get that “Oh my God what’s he doing” heart drop panic attack every other day. Things are smooth sailing right toward commitment. Then you ask the question after months and months of exclusively dating — So where is this heading? And all of a sudden, he doesn’t know. YES this man who told you over and over again that he wants a commitment and a serious relationship suddenly doesn’t know what he wants. Which really just means he knows what he wants and it ain’t you. Men always know, don’t waste more then a few months with this guy.
One day he loves you and the next he’s cursing you out for posting a Man Crush Monday who wasn’t him..and you haven’t even been on a proper date yet. This guy can be the absolute sweetest and no less than 5 seconds later completely nuts. This can be quite amusing and fun. Especially if you like finding out how people tick and get bored easily. But eventually this man will drive you insane. Then he will without a doubt call you the crazy one. Run.
These are a collection of men my friends and I have identified roaming wild and free in New York City reeking havoc on many an unsuspecting woman. You’ve been warned. Good luck and God Speed. Just in case I’ve gotta move, I got the Canadian Tuxedo look down. To learn more about dating in New York City or moving to and living in NYC, check out this post.