Hi, My name is Monroe and I suffer from anxiety. I have never been to a doctor about it but I know what it is. It creeps in and out of my life without warning taking up valuable space and time. Like an old lover who sends a Hey Big Head text every few months. I wrote a little about it years ago. I also wrote about it in the 4th Digital Issue of Steele Magazine, which you can read here for free. Over the years my anxiety has gotten worse. It creeps in so slow I can barely perceive it until I wake up one morning and my entire body is curled in a ball so tight I can barely get out of bed. My main anxiety trigger is stressing about money. The security of not having a steady paycheck every 2 weeks when I first went Full-Time blogging, plagued my every thought and controlled every decision I made. It was a constant worry that I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills or my rent or live the kind of lifestyle I was accustomed to. Y’all know I like to shop and eating out is one of my favorite hobbies.
Those first few months of being a Full-Time Blogger and freelancer wreaked havoc on my psyche. I needed massages every week because my neck and jaw were so tense. I’d wake up in a tight ball every morning still feeling restless because my sleep was comprised of me tensing every muscle in my body all night. At first, I thought I was just cold while I was sleeping (this was in the winter of 2018). So I got thicker blankets and a heater and still every morning I was so tense it physically hurt when I got out of bed. I tried exercise. I tried meditation. I worked hard so I’d forget that I was worried.
The anxiety would quiet itself. Some days I wouldn’t be as tense. I took to reading before bed to quiet my worry and the one thought buried deep in my mind that I never let out. The only thing that really worked was cutting back on coffee and making more money. With every new campaign that came in I felt the tension lodged between the two bones behind my ears loosen. The longer my money went the closer to feeling free from anxiety I became. Eventually the anxiety would just go away on it’s own.
2019 has been the best year of my life. It’s been a really challenging yet really rewarding year and it ain’t even done yet. Every day I wake up with a grateful heart. I’m blessed to be able to live the life I actually dreamed about when I was a young girl. That young girl would sit in her back yard in North Carolina, looking up at the sky and trees and daydreaming about what her adult life would look like. I couldn’t have ever imagined my life would be this amazing. I literally feel like I am walking in my purpose and fulfilling my destiny. Yall, there is nothing more freeing in the world than the feeling of walking in your purpose.
Even if things don’t go your way, you just know it’s going to somehow work out in your favor. It’s the best high in the world but anxiety doesn’t care that I’m out here living my best life. Even knowing what I know about manifestation, destiny and faith. Recently, I had a bout of anxiety so bad, I was desperate for medication. I was tired of waking up stiff and feeling extremely tired even though I’d slept a full 8 hours. Even though I’d been making good money, I was nervous about expenses for upcoming trips and that payouts for the money I’d been making was months away. I’d done $20K worth of work that won’t hit my account for months and I couldn’t shake my anxiety this time.
It was the first time that I felt like I needed medicinal help. I don’t normally like taking medication. I don’t like putting things in my body that aren’t naturally occurring things already inside me. I barely even take pain pills unless I’m desperate. I know how to handle physical pain. Physical pain and I are very familiar with each other and I can kick it’s ass any day of the week. I’d take physical pain over anxiety any day. Anxiety is a whole different beast. I’ve classified my anxiety as tension anxiety. I don’t have too many racing thoughts. It’s just one worry about money that’s so buried in my mind, I can barely perceive it. It’s the tension that manifest from that single worry that completely shatters me. Imagine clenching your jaw for 10 minutes straight non-stop. Now image clenching it for 18 days straight. That was me last month when I begged a friend for some of her anxiety medication, scheduled a message and acupuncture appointment and consulted my friend on a referral for his weed man. I even told my mother. Which is how I know it was bad. She’s a nurse and I was hoping she could send me something to ease my tension. I told her all the things I was thinking of doing and that probably wasn’t the wisest thing. Cause now she was worried and that just added to my anxiety.
GET THE LOOK
I’ve gotten pretty good at functioning normally even when my anxiety is at an all time high. You’d never know but this last bout broke through the facade and spilled out all over my reality. I stopped drinking coffee. That helped a bit. I would sit in total silence and try not to think about anything. I’d envision being surrounded by nothing but white light. That helped some. I meditated, I danced, I read, I worked. I acknowledged that I was stressed about money and stopped burying that worrying thought. I would say it out loud over and over until my brain was satisfied. I’m not burying it in my body anymore, I’m letting it out. Eventually, so slowly I didn’t even notice it was leaving, it went away. I was back to normal. I felt rested after sleep. My body was no longer ravaged with overwhelming tightness and tension. If it ever gets this bad again, I have a referral for doctor. And as I write this today, anxiety has already crept it’s way into the left side of my jaw every so slightly. This time, for the first time, in a long time, it’s not about money, it’s about a boy.
Read more of my Essays Here. I do write for real sometimes.