I took a little blogger break. I didn’t mean to, but after the election, I was chronically stressed and didn’t feel inspired at all to write, let alone go outside and take outfit photos. This may come as a shock but I actually prefer the writing. Don’t get me wrong I am a fashion girl through and through but what I love best about blogging is the opportunity to write and tell stories. A few days before I took these photos I had my very first panic attack. Hence, the title. I wouldn’t categorize myself as a stressed out person. My job is going well. I do have a few looming financial issues, but nothing too concerning to me. So when I woke up out of my sleep one night, with the worst stomach pain, I figured like any other sane person that my appendix ruptured and I should get may ass to the ER pronto.
Photography by Nigel Isaiah
So, there I am in the middle of the night, holding my stomach, sure that my appendix just burst and is leaking all kinds of toxic shit into my precious body cavity. I stood up and felt faint. The pain then turned to numbness, a numbness that spread from my stomach up to my throat. I felt light headed, almost as if I was floating or maybe not even a part of my own body. My heart was beating so fast but time stood still. I immediately went into panic mode. I thought to myself “I’m dying, I am going to die right here on my bathroom floor“. I thought for a second that I could get dressed and make my way to the ER, but my thoughts quickly dashed that idea. “You’re too far gone, you won’t make it in time, you don’t even have enough time to put on clothes, you’ll die first“. It was the most terrifying feeling and I was sure I was having a stroke or an aneurysm. Luckily my friend came over very quickly and by the time he arrived, 20 minutes later, I began to feel better. But I was definitely freaked out.
Why did this happen?
Firstly, I’m not sure at all why this happened but after looking up my symptoms it was pretty clear that it was a panic attack. How it happened while I was sleeping and literally woke me up out of my sleep, I won’t ever know. I’ve read that worrying about the why and how and if you will have another one can actually trigger another attack. I was worried for about 3 days but then I felt much better. I couldn’t ever really understand people who had panic attacks. I thought maybe they just had stressful lives, or maybe some kind of underlying mental issues. But nope, I am proof, this shit can happen to anyone for absolutely no reason at all. I’m really glad that I had someone to talk to and be there for me when it happened and people who I didn’t feel ashamed to talk to about it. Turns out its actually pretty common. But I hope like hell it never happens again. I wouldn’t wish that kind of impeding doom on my worst enemy.